Covered In Venom and Tears
by AlfredSamaNoBaka
Summary: Kaoru pretends to be fine. He pretends it doesn't bother him, but it does. He can never tell Hikaru, or the rest of the Host Club for fear of rejection. He is drowning and afraid, yet he hopes nobody will notice. Kaoru Hitachiin is a broken child, and he doesn't even know who is doing this to him. A Bullying Story. HikaKao, Twincest, Bullying, Self Harm... you have been warned.
1. Chapter One: Experimenting

**_A/N: Hello everybody! I haven't written a multi-chapter story in ages. So, I present to you... this thing!_  
**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club, or any of the members of said club._**

**_Warnings: Bullying, self harm, self hatred, incest... twincest to be precise, yaoi, and lemon(s)._**

**_Pairings: Main: HikaKao; Other Pairings: TamaKao, KyoKao, HikaHaru, KyoTama, and maybe a few others. Who knows. I ship it all._**

* * *

**Covered In Venom and Tears**

**Chapter One: Experimenting**

Another letter fell from my desk. I quickly pick it up and put it back before Hikaru or Haruhi notice it. I don't need them finding out and worrying about me. It's not like it isn't anything I can't handle… right? These notes have been following me everywhere lately. I'll find some in my bag sometimes, or maybe in my desk. I know they are meant for me, unless it is only a coincidence I am the only one receiving these notes. What are these notes you ask? Hate mail. Somebody found out a secret about me, and hasn't stopped sending hate mail my way. I have reason to believe it isn't only one person as well. I've noticed people looking at me differently lately. Like I'm some disgusting insect. I hate being looked at like that.

I'm sorry, I'm being impolite. My name is Kaoru Hitachiin. I am a first year student at Ouran Academy and I am a part of the host club here. My twin brother, Hikaru, and I perform a brotherly love act in order to earn the club more points… but things went overboard soon enough. I committed the biggest sin of all time. I feel in love with my twin brother. I relish in those moments at the club where Hikaru acts like I am the only thing that matters, like he actually loves me the way I want him to love me. I know it won't ever happen, but I am content with the attention I get at the Host Club. It's more than enough right now.

Unfortunately, that isn't the real problem here. The real problem is someone knows. That's right. A student at Ouran Academy is able to see through my feelings for Hikaru. And they hate me for it. I have no idea who this student is, and I am not sure if I will ever know who they are. I don't know who this student has told about my feelings, and I sure as hell don't know what he or she is planning on doing to me.

I get a note at least five times a day reminding me that I am an incestuous faggot that deserves to die. They don't always say the same thing. Sometimes they tell me different ways I should kill myself. Other times they tell me how disgusting and foul I am. I hate it when they leave the notes in my bag. It makes me feel sick and violated knowing somebody was in my bag. They don't ever steal anything that I am aware of, but it is still unsettling.

I know what you all are thinking. Why not tell Hikaru you are getting harassed? That's not an option, especially considering I would be forced to tell him why they are bullying me, and that is something I can never do.

"Kaoru? Hey, Kaoru? Earth to Kaoru! Are you awake in there?" I feel a small jab to my forehead that broke me from my thoughts and I glared at my annoying, yet oh-so sexy brother.

"What was that for?" I ask, somewhat irritated.

Hikaru looks a little concerned and frowns, "You were basically sleeping during class… but your eyes were wide open. Are you ok? Do you feel sick or something?"

I sigh and look out the window. I was feeling pretty sick. Just the thought of being at this school right now was making me sick to my stomach. Someone at this school hated me, and it could be anyone. They could be in this classroom right now. They wanted me dead. That thought scared me the most. I felt a small wave of nausea come over me and I stood up, "Now that you mention it, I do. I'm going to the infirmary."

Hikaru also gets up, "I'll go with you, Kaoru. I want to make sure you're ok."

I smile and nod. The two of us intertwine hands as we walk down the halls. I suddenly felt small doing so. Everyone's eyes seemed to be on us. No, on me. Everybody looked so condescending. It was more than likely my overactive imagination, but it made me light-headed. Looking twice, I realized it was all in my head. Almost everybody seemed to be minding their own business... minus a few people, who most likely know about the rumors circulating the school regarding myself... or just frivolous girls in love with our brotherly love act. Still, I scanned the students for somebody. I didn't know who, in fact, I wasn't really sure I wanted to know. But at the same time I wanted to know so badly. I needed to find my tormentor… but what if I did find him? What would I do then? If I found whoever this person was, would they torment me even more?

Before I could even finish my thoughts, Hikaru had led me to the infirmary. I hugged him goodbye and sat down on one of the beds. I just needed some time to myself.

Some time had passed and I finally decided it was time to leave the infirmary and head to the Host Club for the day. I was starting to feel a ton better after taking a long nap.

The halls were pretty empty. Everyone was either going home, or staying after for clubs and activities. I ignored the people as I rushed to the music room. I didn't realize how late I was until I looked at my watch. A student brushed by me, making me accidently drop my bag to the ground, books scattering everywhere. I stop walking and look up at the student. "Oh… sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going."

I bend down and begin picking up my books and the boy I ran into bends down to help, "It's ok, Kaoru."

I freeze and look at the boy I had never seen before, "I'm… Hikaru. Not Kaoru."

He chuckles and gives me a look that made me draw back a little, "I know you're Kaoru. You're the good twin right? Hikaru would have yelled at me to watch where I was going."

I smirk at his comment, it was so true. "Wow, I would have never guessed somebody I don't really know is able to tell Hikaru and I apart. We must be losing our touch… but I wouldn't say I'm good at all."

"Yeah, you're right."

I raise an eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

He hands me my last book and gives me an evil smile, "Being an incestuous faggot isn't exactly good. My mistake."

And with that, he walked away. I was still on the floor, but I couldn't get up. I was stunned. He couldn't have been… was he? I didn't know what to think at the moment. I had so many thoughts swirling through my head and I felt beyond confused.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, I got up off the floor. I felt sick again. It took everything I had to walk to the music room after that encounter. I must have looked awful too, because Hikaru stopped talking to Haruhi just to run to me the minute I got to the clubroom.

Once I convinced my twin that I was ok, I got changed into some weird cosplay that Tamaki came up with. Apparently we were doing a Greek god theme. I got dressed into the skimpy toga outfit and when I looked in the mirror, I immediately flushed in embarrassment. It was short and made me look like some whore. Was that the point or something? Hikaru was dressed in the same thing, but it was a little longer than mine. How embarrassing. Whose idea was this? I had no idea who everyone was supposed to be. Mori looked like some Greek warrior, and everyone else was also dressed in some weird toga. I assumed Tamaki was supposed to be Zeus or something.

Hikaru came up to me and inspected my toga, "It's so short! Haha! I knew this would be a fun cosplay! I have so many ideas."

He wags his eyebrows at me. I blush and pull it down a little, "Stop it Hikaru! This toga is so embarrassing… Can't I have another one?"

Kyoya speaks up, without looking at me over his notebook, "The togas were first come first serve. The one you're wearing was supposed to be Haruhi's, but Tamaki insisted on another one for her. Besides, it is nothing that you and Hikaru can't work with, I'm sure."

Great. Stupid Tono.

Hikaru groans and looks at Tamaki, "Why can't Haruhi wear the short toga, tono? You don't want anyone else seeing her legs or something? That thing goes all the way down to her ankles."

Haruhi raises an annoyed eyebrow and opens her mouth to interject her comment, but is interrupted. Tamaki blushes and shakes his head rapidly, "N-no! I just… I thought she would be perfect for Athena! Athena was a virgin, you know? So it is only suitable that my daughter where something a bit longer."

Hikaru scoffs and turns his attention back toward me, "Are you sure you feel well enough to be here? I can have a car come pick you up, if you want."

I shake my head. As embarrassing as this was, I really didn't want to be away from Hikaru right now.

The girls started to come about five minutes later, and I was still pulling down my toga. It didn't help that Hikaru was taking advantage of my embarrassment. Normally I wouldn't mind, but that was usually fake embarrassment. This thing was beyond my comfort zone.

"Kaoru, if you hate it so much…" he tilts my head toward him so I can look him in the eyes, "Why don't you let me take it off for you?"

I blush on queue and play along for the sake of the act, because that's all it will ever be. An act.

"H-Hikaru… Don't say things like that in front of our guests…" I look away from him dramatically and he smirks even more. That's when I feel the hand on my leg. Everything in the room just got extraordinarily hot, and I couldn't even hear the squeals of the girls anymore. All I could hear was my own heart beating in my chest.

"But Kaoru… I can't help it. It looks so good on you," he purred in my ear. Oh, how I longed for him to mean everything he was saying to me. Why couldn't this be real? I would want nothing more than to be this intimate with him without all of the glitz and glamour and with none of the girls following us around, reminding me that none of this was real. But even if it were real… we couldn't act on it. And I am disgusting for even having these thoughts.

Suddenly, I felt violated. So many emotions were rushing through me as Hikaru continued on with our act. I felt like a disgusting person. I felt like Hikaru was toying with me. And worst of all, I kept thinking about my bully. I had tried so hard to ignore everything that bastard has done to me. I didn't even realize how bad he has gotten to me until now.

I pushed Hikaru off of me and got up quickly, "Get off me, Hikaru!"

Everyone looks at me stunned, and I rush to the changing room to get rid of that stupid toga. I needed to go home. I just wanted to sleep the day away and forget about everything, even if it is only for a little while. I put on my uniform and stepped out. Everyone was looking at me now, naturally. I guess I did make a bit of a spectacle.

"Aw, Kaoru why did you change?" Tamaki asked with his puppy dog eyes.

I suddenly feel small and insecure, "I just felt a little bit uncomfortable… may I be excused? I just want to go home…"

I look up at my brother. My heart breaks at the sight of him. He looked positively guilty. He probably felt like an ass, like he did something I didn't like. It's not like that wasn't true, but I didn't want him to know that he made me feel so scared just by one small gesture. I didn't want him to see me as weak, I suppose.

Hikaru gets up off of the couch and runs to me, "Come on Kaoru! I'm sorry, ok? I don't understand what I did, but I'm sorry for whatever it was! Was it the leg grabbing thing?"

I sigh and give him a small smile, "I'm fine Hikaru. I just don't feel all that good. And the cosplay just wasn't sitting well with me."

Tamaki groans and sighs in defeat, "Fine… go home. Are you staying Hikaru?"

Hikaru smiles, "Sure thing tono! I would hate to leave our lovely ladies all alone." He sends them a wink for extra emphasis and they squeal in delight, then he looks to me, "Unless, you want me to go with you?"

I look down, "I just want to be alone for a little bit, ok? I'll see you tonight."

I didn't give him much time to respond, because as soon as I said those words, I turned to leave.

I got home without any problems, and the moment I got to my room I started to look through all of my notes. All of them were completely true. None of them held a lie. Maybe they are right… would the world be better off without me. Do I really deserve death? I interrupted my thoughts quickly before I got carried away. Hikaru was probably worried enough about me. He didn't deserve to worry any more than he needed to.

I quickly threw myself under the covers of my bed, but not until I stashed my box of notes. I didn't want Hikaru to find those under any circumstance. Before long, I was fast asleep in the comfort of my bed. Naturally, my nap didn't last very long. About an hour after falling asleep, Hikaru insisted on jumping on me as a way of getting me up.

"Kaoru! You big jerk! Get up!" He screams into my ear.

I groan and push him off of me and onto the floor, "God damn it, Hikaru… I was trying to sleep."

"Well too bad! I wanna know why you reacted the way you did! You normally don't have an issue with me touching you like that. I know something is wrong so tell me what it is. Now."

I hide my face under the covers, "I'm just sick Hikaru… I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings."

I hear Hikaru groan in annoyance, "Yeah… well that doesn't explain how you acted. I felt like I molested you or something."

I pull the covers down a little so I could breathe. I look at him with a pout, feeling bad about the way I had treated him without realizing it.

"I'm sorry Hikaru… I just had a lot on my mind. I'm sorry if I worried you."

I could tell he doesn't completely believe that I am okay. I glance away nervously, hoping he just changes the subject. I know if he presses on I may accidently let him know about what has been happening in my life right now… and I am not ready to do that at the moment. I look something… anything else to talk about at the moment.

"Whatever Kaoru. If something is bothering you, then I'm sure you will tell me about it eventually, right?"

I meet his eyes and immediately regret it. Just looking at him made me feel guilty for not telling him. We always told each other everything, good or bad. I look down at the bed sheets and nod meekly, "Of course Hikaru."

He leans back on the bed and looks up at the ceiling, "I have a favor to ask of you, Kaoru. You don't have to accept if you don't want to, but…" he trails off and I give him a curious look.

"What is it, Hikaru?" I ask, slightly interested.

He sighs, looking extremely frustrated. Not at me, mind you, but at whatever it was he was thinking about.

"I've just been thinking about girls a lot recently…" My hearts drops.

"And…?"

"Well, I've realized I have zero experience with girls. I don't know how to kiss or anything like that. So… I was wondering…" he trails off again and blushed. My interest is starting to peak again and I raise an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering if I could experiment on you."

I choke in surprise and blush furiously. Did I just hear him right? No… I must have heard wrong. What kind of favor was that?

I chuckle nervously and smile at him sheepishly, "I-I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I think I heard you wrong…"

He gives me a glare that makes my smile drop, "Quit playing dumb, I'm being serious here. Stop being so weird. It's just kissing. It's not like I'm asking you to suck me off."

I didn't think it was possible for me to blush anymore, but apparently I was wrong.

"B-but… wouldn't that be your first kiss? Wouldn't you rather your first kiss go to a girl?" I sputter out, trying so hard not to sound too embarrassed.

He scoffs and crosses his arm, "Like I said. It's just kissing. What the hell is the difference? People kiss all the time. A first kiss hardly carries any meaning anymore."

I frown a little. It meant something to me… but I couldn't say that to Hikaru. He would most likely make fun of me and call me a girl or something along those lines. I eventually nod and turn toward him, giving him my approval. He gives me his victorious smirk, that he only shows off after getting away with something naughty or after getting something he wants.

Hikaru gets up to lock the door and comes back. I try and pretend that didn't happen to try to prevent me from blushing any further. I probably already looked like a giant fool to him. Do siblings usually practice this stuff with each other? Was this normal? Is it bad that I am getting so worked up over this? Should I be okay with Hikaru wanting to do this? But it is like he said, right? It's just kissing… right?

I feel him inch closer to me until I can feel his breath tickling my lips. He pauses there for a little, as if contemplating what his next move is. To be honest, I don't even know what I'm doing. A part of me wants to panic, punch Hikaru in the face, and run away… and another part of me wants to just make out with him despite not knowing the first thing about kissing. Hell, I don't even know anything about sex now that I think about it. You would think Hikaru and I were experts given the way we act during the host club, but the truth is we are innocent little virgins… well I'm not too sure about Hikaru. I don't really know what kind of things he looks at on the internet, and I don't really need to know. I could never watch internet porn. The thought of it made me feel sick to my stomach.

I was pulled from my thoughts as Hikaru gently brushes his lips against mine. His eyes are closed and he seems to be deep in thought. Oh, how I wish I knew what he was thinking. My lips tremble a little and I mentally slap myself when Hikaru's eyes open.

He pulls away, "Are you ok? Was that bad or something?"

I shake my head. I felt so flustered and embarrassed that I am pretty sure it radiated off of me. I didn't even have the courage to speak up for fear of stuttering and sounding like a fool.

Hikaru smiles, "Kaoru, we barely even kissed."

It sure as hell felt like he kissed me.

"Then do it again. You're the one that wanted to do this," I mutter mainly to myself. Hikaru smirks at me and grabs the back of my neck and forces me to look at him. I feel my eyes widen at this sudden movement and my throat goes dry at the look he is giving me. He looks so… predatory. I would be lying if I said it wasn't turning me on.

"U-uh…" I try to speak but fail.

Hikaru's smirk widen, "Shut up for a minute. I want to try something."

And with that our lips met, but it wasn't as short and sweet as the last kiss. Oh no. It was deeper, and a lot more possessive on Hikaru's part. Where the hell did Hikaru learn to kiss _like that?_ Didn't he say that this was his first kiss?

Our lips move together quite sloppily and we couldn't seem to find a proper rhythm. His inexperience was starting to show. My inexperience was showing since we first started. Things started to slow down after a few seconds and my heart stopped beating so harshly against my chest.

But Hikaru wasn't done yet.

I suddenly felt his tongue on my bottom lip and my eyes become wide and I push Hikaru away from me, "No! Wait!"

"Uwah!" Hikaru falls off the bed in surprise, and once he recovers, he glares up at me. "What the fuck was that for?"

I turn a deep shade of red and look down, "I-uh… I don't want to French kiss…"

He raises an eyebrow at me and then shrugs, "Whatever, we can try again tomorrow or something. I'm hungry. You want to go get something to eat? How about we go to a commoner restaurant?"

I sigh and shrug my shoulders, "I'm really not that hungry, Hikaru."

And honestly, I didn't have the stomach for it right then. I had so many thoughts swirling through my head, and there was still that lingering fear. I was scared of leaving the house. I was scared of even being around Hikaru some of the time, for fear of people judging me and seeing how disgusting I am.

I cringe outwardly, and I mentally scold myself when I realize Hikaru noticed. "What? You're not hungry? Kaoru… I'm really getting worried about you. You barely eat and you've become so standoffish. You don't have to tell me now, because I know you won't… but I trust that you will let me know what is bothering you when you are ready. Right?"

I nod absentmindedly. He smiles and places a chaste kiss on my cheek, "Alright, good. I'm going to go get some food. I'll bring you back something, ok? And you better eat it!"

He leaves our room and I instantly go back to where I was under the covers. I couldn't tell him about what was going on with me. If I told him then he would hate me, and that was not something I could deal with.


	2. Chapter Two: Blood And Fear

**_A/N: Sorry it took so long! This chapter was a pain in the ass. I'm still not completely satisfied with it either. Maybe it is because it is a little bit more depressing. The next chapter should go a lot more smooth though! It's going to be a lot happier!_  
**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club, or any of the members of said club._**

**_Warnings: Bullying, self harm, self hatred, incest... twincest to be precise, yaoi, and lemon(s)._**

**_Pairings: Main: HikaKao; Other Pairings: TamaKao, KyoKao, HikaHaru, KyoTama, and maybe a few others. Who knows. I ship it all. There will be some TamaKao in the next chapter by the way! Don't worry! This is still a HikaKao Fic!_**

* * *

**Covered In Venom and Tears**

**Chapter Two: Blood And Fear**

Life continued on as it usually did at Ouran Academy. I went to school and clung to my brother, hoping it would keep me safe. The notes also continued on, much to my dismay. As usual, I would brush them off and pretend that they didn't exist… well, tried my best anyway. It wasn't until I got to the club on Monday, did I realize I have a note in the front pocket of my bag.

I shudder at the thought of someone somehow getting into my bag, yet again. You would think I would have gotten used to this feeling, but it was hard to ignore it. Ever since this bullying began, I made sure to always keep an eye on my belongings, but for some reason, the notes still appeared. This one note was very different from all of the other notes I have received in the past. In fact, it made me wonder if this was even sent from a bully at all.

It read:

'_Meet me in the Music Room tomorrow at 5.'_

I stare at the note for what seemed like forever. The club would have ended by this time, and this person must have known this. Who could have possibly given this to me?

I muse a little longer until I hear somebody coming toward me, and I quickly put the note back into my bag, "Uh… yes, Hikaru?"

He raises an eyebrow at me, "Club is about to start. Tono needs you to get into position. What the hell are you doing over here by yourself anyway?"

I smile the best I can and I get up, "Just going over our script one last time! C'mon! We better hurry before the tono gets angry with us."

Hikaru seemed to believe my excuse, because he didn't argue. Instead, he grabbed my hand and we stood at the door with the rest of the club, waiting for Tono to open the doors to the Host Club, yet again.

Everything was going by smoothly. We were wearing kimonos made by our mother, and shamelessly selling them with our brotherly love act. So far, I had managed to put aside all of my stupid worries and fears for today. I was tired of looking like I'm mentally unstable to everybody else in the club. And after yesterday's events, I needed to make up for my behavior. I couldn't afford anybody in the club to find out about what is going on with me. I wouldn't be able to stand it if they were to worry about me.

But I still couldn't help but overhear what Tamaki and Kyoya were discussing in the corner. They were very obviously talking about me, and I hoped that Hikaru wasn't listening. They probably thought they were quiet, but then again, I had supersonic hearing. It was like a sixth sense for me that I had developed in middle school after listening to all the crappy things kids would say about Hikaru and I behind our backs.

"I just don't get it, Kyoya… you don't think this is because of the host club, do you?"

I hear a small sigh come from Kyoya, "Who knows, but don't make snap judgments. It's none of your business, anyway. If he wants to confide in us, then he will."

"But it is obvious that he needs help, Kyoya... I can't tell what he's thinking."

I had enough after that. I quickly stood up and smiled at Hikaru and the girls, "I'm going to go get us some snacks. Is that all right with you, ladies? Do you want me to get you anything specific?"

Hikaru smirks at me and winks, "I don't need anything. You're all the dessert I need, Kaoru."

I blush on queue and look away, "H-Hikaru… D-don't say things like that!"

"But it's the truth, Kaoru. I'll get my fill tonight," he winks at the girls and they all scream in delight. I take that as an opportunity to ask everyone what they want and leave toward the snack table, which just so happens to be where Hunny-senpai and Mori-senpai are residing.

I bend down and smile at our eldest member kindly, "Hunny-senpai, you don't mind if I steal some cake, right?"

I didn't expect Hunny-senpai to look at me with tear filled eyes and nod violently, "Of course you can, Kao-chan! You can have as much as you want! You can even borrow Usa-chan!" he lifts up the stuff bunny, and I raise an eyebrow.

"I- uh… just needed a slice of cake, senpai. Are you okay?" I ask warily.

Hunny-senpai nods and wipes at his stray tears, "I think the better question is: Are you okay, Kao-chan?"

I grunt quietly in annoyance. I was really starting to get fed up with everyone asking me the same questions and talking about me as if I am on the verge of some mental breakdown, which I wasn't. I was perfectly fine, and the bullying wasn't anything I couldn't handle on my own. Honestly, I was a little disappointed in how bad I was at covering this up. Everyone seemed to notice that something was up, and I was trying so hard to make sure no one found out. Even my dumb brother and Tono could tell, and that was saying something. Damn, I'm awful at this.

"I'm fine, Hunny-senpai," I smile for extra emphasis, "I promise."

Hunny-senpai doesn't seem very convinced, but he just shrugs it off. I sigh in relief and turn my attention to the cake. I make sure to cut some extra slices for the ladies. I still couldn't keep my mind off of how different everyone was acting toward me though.

I start slicing the last piece of cake, when something catches my eye. It was the guy from yesterday, staring at me through a crack in the door. When had that door opened? Isn't it always shut? Why is he looking at me like that? Who is he? Is he the one giving me all the notes?

My eyes widen at the sight of him and he smirks in my direction and then turns around to leave. I keep staring at the door like I had seen a ghost, not paying attention to what I had previously been doing before I had spotted him.

Of course, that seemed to cause me to slip up with the knife. I wince, and pull back my injured hand, dropping some plates on the ground. I take a look at my finger, which start bleeding profusely and my eyes widen. I immediately drift off as I stare at the blood. It was such a pretty color and shade. It didn't really hurt that bad anymore either. In fact, it was rather comforting in a way. I couldn't really explain the feeling, but it just felt good.

People were running toward me, and Hikaru got their first. He rushed me over to a sink, but I hadn't noticed. I was too busy watching the blood drip from my finger. People were yelling at me, but I wasn't listening to them. I was still caught in my own little world.

I was eventually yanked out of that world once Hikaru turned on the sink and yanked my finger under the cold water, making the cut burn and out of nowhere I could feel the pain again.

I gasp and wince in pain. Hikaru bandages up my wound and grabs both of my shoulders and forces me to look at him, "Kaoru, what on earth happened?!"

I chuckle a little and smile in return, "I'm fine, Hikaru. Don't worry."

He glares at me and his shoulders visibly start to shake, "Yeah, I'm definitely worried about you! You were just staring at your cut like a freaking zombie!"

Hikaru continued to lecture me while Kyouya and Tamaki escorted the ladies out of the club room. Great. Now I'm stuck with a group interrogation.

Haruhi puts a delicate hand on Hikaru's shoulder to calm him down, "Hikaru, please calm down," she turns her attention to me, "Are you okay, Kaoru? You seemed a little spaced out earlier."

I can't help but smile at her. She really is sweet in her own way. She would be good for Hikaru.

"I'm fine, Haruhi. In fact, I've never felt better!"

For some reason, nobody seemed to believe me. I started getting swarmed with more questions from Hikaru, me responding the same to every question. "I'm fine, Hikaru."

After the one-hundredth time saying those three words, he stopped bugging me. He was still pretty pissed at me for whatever reason, but I wasn't too concerned with that. He will come around eventually.

I wasn't lying though. For some reason, I was feeling giddy for the first time in months. I wasn't sure where the sudden burst of happiness came from, but it was leaving me feeling better than I had in a long time. The funny part was, I didn't even know why I was so happy all of a sudden. It was so funny, that I had started laughing.

I couldn't understand why nobody else was laughing with me. They all stared at me like I had three heads. The thought made me laugh harder and I had to lean against Hikaru for support.

"Uh… Kaoru? What's so funny?"

I laugh harder, and everyone seems to back away a little. Was I really being that weird? It was funny though, wasn't it? It was hilarious!

"Kaoru, you are kind of freaking me out. Not going to lie."

I start to slow down laughing and I wipe some stray tears away, "I-I'm sorry, I don't know why I started laughing like that. It was just so funny!"

Everyone raises an eyebrow at me, and Hikaru pulls me into a hug, "I think I should take you home."

I pull away from him and frown, "What? But why? I told you that I'm okay, Hikaru!"

"You nearly sliced off your finger, Kaoru! And you're acting like it is the funniest thing in the world! How in the world is that okay?"

I roll my eyes and pout. Just when I thought the lectures were over they start up all over again.

Tono pipes in and saves me from anymore of Hikaru's rants, "I have an idea! Why don't we all come over to my mansion for the night! We can hang out and talk! Doesn't that sound like fun, Haruhi?"

Haruhi grunts in annoyance, "Sounds like a blast."

Hikaru smirks at Haruhi, "Yeah, I'm in if Haruhi is in!"

I shrug, "I think I'm just going to go home. I've had a long day."

Hikaru looks at me sadly, "Then I'm going home with you. I don't feel comfortable leaving you at home on your own right now, Kaoru."

I frown and look down at my feet. If I were there it would only get in Hikaru's way of getting together with Haruhi. If he came home with me then he wouldn't get to spend any time with her. I couldn't force him to come home with me and miss out on a fun evening with Haruhi. I don't think I would be able to live with myself. I love Hikaru, and I just wanted him to be happy. He'll be happier with her than he would ever be with me.

"Hikaru, I want you to go have fun tonight, okay? I promise you, I'm fine. I'm just going to study and then go straight to bed. Just don't stay out too late," I wink at him and he doesn't seem all that convinced. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he is conflicted, but in the end he decided to take my word for it and ended up going over to Tono's mansion. However, it did take a little while to convince Tono that I was okay going home by myself. After all, I was clearly the reason why he arranged this little after school 'party' to begin with. I eventually convinced him that I would be much happier if I had a little bit of time alone, especially since I am falling behind in my math class. I mean… it wasn't a complete lie.

The minute I walked through the doors of our mansion, my mood instantly dropped. I think it was because I realized how alone I felt inside this huge mansion without Hikaru there. I've been here alone a lot lately. Hikaru spends so much time with Haruhi that I hardly get to see him anymore… sometimes I wish she never entered the picture to begin with. Wait, no… that's an awful thing to say. Haruhi is one of my best friends, and she is helping Hikaru grow. She is important to Hikaru, so she is important to me.

I tread up to my room with my bag dragging along the ground. The maids were looking at me funny but I didn't care. I had too much on my mind and I had to throw those stupid hate letters into my box. It's become part of my daily routine, as sad as that sounds. It is always the most miserable part of my day too. Receiving the letters aren't nearly as bad as sorting through them and reading them all to yourself at once. It can really drive your self-esteem right into the ground.

I grab the box from under the bed and I open it. I frown when I noticed the box was starting to overflow. Damn, I was going to need a new one soon.

A part of me wondered why I even kept these stupid notes. All they did was make me feel awful about myself. But then there was this little voice in my head that insisted that I deserved everything these notes were saying and doing to me. I could deny it all I wanted, but these notes were tearing me apart. I hated being called all of these horrible names, and I hated not knowing the culprit the most. I would rather this person make fun of me to my face. Anything is better than this.

I get so wrapped up in my own self-hating thoughts that I don't even realize I'm crying after about ten minutes or so of looking through the notes. It's not like it was anything new, so why did it hurt so badly? And who gave me the note from today about meeting me after school tomorrow?

I shook violently as I pictured who it could possibly be and what they could possibly want from me. I run to the bathroom and lock myself in, leaning against the door. I start to hyperventilate as all these scenarios run through my mind. What if they beat me up? Are they going to show their face? What if it is more than one person? The more I think about it, the more afraid I feel.

I sink down to the floor, and then something shiny catches my eye. A razor. I stop crying for a second to stare at it. All of the memories of cutting my finger comes back to me and I remember how I felt at the time. I remember the beautiful color and the way I didn't feel any pain at all. It felt so _alive._

I get up slowly and reach for the razor. I stare at it for what seems like forever. So many thoughts were rushing through my head. It was like I was trying to convince myself that this was a good idea. Why would I back out now? It felt so good when I cut my finger earlier…

I shakily raise the blade to my wrist and I bite my lip. A few stray tears run down my face. _You're despicable. A disgrace. You are everything those people think you are. You aren't worthy of the Hitachiin name. If you're brother knew the true you, he would throw you away like garbage._ The tears start falling faster down my face and I can feel bile rise up in my throat.

"S-shit…" I rush to the toilet and barf up my lungs. I hadn't eaten much today so it just stomach bile, but I still felt awful. I kept dry heaving over the toilet, trying to throw up, but my stomach not being able to find anything else for me to upchuck.

This continues for another five minutes and I suddenly feel less nauseous. I lean against the wall, exhausted, and I eye the razor as if it were the source of all my problems.

"I can't do it… what if Hikaru finds a cut? I can't afford for him to be any more worried than he already is," I sigh and close my eyes.

Shakily, I get up and get myself ready for bed and making sure everything looks presentable for Hikaru when he comes back. I make sure to leave some of my math homework out on the desk to make it look like I actually studied. Once ready, I jump into bed and I immediately drift off. I slept like a rock that night. I didn't even hear Hikaru come into the room and kiss my cheek good night.

0o0o0o0o0o0

The next day, I tried my hardest to seem normal at school. Somehow, it was proving to be more difficult. I was so scared for my little "meeting" this evening that it made it so hard to concentrate on anything. I didn't pay much attention in my classes, but my teachers were already used to that from Hikaru, so they probably expected it from me as well.

Everybody was being extra nice and friendly to me as well, but I tried to play it off as them acting weirder than usual. I honestly can't handle all these people treating me differently. It makes me feel like I am fishing for attention, which is the opposite of what I want. Normally, Hikaru and I love attention, but this kind of attention was just making me feel uncomfortable and somewhat pissed off. The only person who wasn't treating me any differently was Kyouya-senpai, which I was thankful for. We have always been on friendly terms with each other so he probably understood the fact that I really didn't want to be messed with at the moment, and I was grateful for it… but I still was suspicious that he was planning something.

There was something in the way he was talking to me, and the way that he was gripping his pen… I could tell something was up, but I couldn't figure out what. I pride myself on being rather perceptive, but I just can't figure out what Kyouya-senpai is thinking.

I skipped the Host Club that day. I really didn't want to be bothered with all of their nonsense, and I was mentally preparing myself for what was probably going to be the scariest moment of my life. I was scared, nervous, shaken, and just downright confused. I was scared of going, but somehow I was even more scared of what might happen to me if I missed this.

I spent the majority of my time in the library. I slowly counted down the time until it struck 4:30. At that time, I felt my nerves start to rise even more and I was chewing on my pen. Some of the questions that I was thinking about last night were starting to arise, along with some new questions. Some questions I was trying my hardest to avoid for fear of running out, scared for my life.

At 4:45, I decided to get up and make my way over to the music room. The Host Club should have been over by now, and they all should have gone home. Hikaru was probably worried and searching for me. I made sure to turn off my phone, since I knew he would be trying to get ahold of me. I honestly couldn't be bothered with that at the moment.

I made it to the club room before I knew it and I was visibly shaking. I hadn't been so scared to open a door since Hikaru and I first opened the doors to the Host Club. Now here I am, fearing to open these doors for a completely different reason.

I finally convince myself to calm down and I take a few deep breaths. _It's okay. It's okay. You'll be fine. Maybe they want to apologize. Yeah… that's it! They want to apologize. Maybe all of this will be over after tonight!_

With that, I finally muster up the courage to open up the door. Inside, I am shocked at what I find. It takes me awhile to register who I am looking at exactly, and when I do finally realize it, I start getting confused and a little bit unsure.

"Hello, Kaoru! I was hoping you would make it! You missed club today so I was a little unsure. Please, have a seat."

My eyes widen and I stand there in shock, "Tono?"


	3. Chapter Three: Call Me 'King'

**A/N: Hey! Sorry for the small delay! I was a tad busy with school and sleeping. School? In July? Yeah... I'm taking summer classes. This chapter is a little bit more upbeat!**

**Warning! There is TamaKao in this chapter! There is only a little bit, don't worry! This story is still very much a twincest story. The TamaKao doesn't last very long at all for those of you who may not support it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own OHSHC! Also! I don't like VIc Mignogna. I think he is overrated and I don't get why he gets all the praise he receives. But, I feel like he did an excellent job with Tamaki and I really like this song that is in this chapter. I feel like it fits his character so well and I can see Tamaki singing it as a way to serenade a loved one.**

* * *

**Covered In Venom and Tears**

**Chapter Three: Call Me 'King'**

"Tono? What the hell are you doing here?" I ask after staring for a while. I suddenly realized what was going on and I instantly felt annoyed. Why couldn't the Host Club just drop it?

He gives me a cheerful smile and pats the couch, "Sit with me, Kaoru. I would like to discuss your behavior at the Host Club recently."

I ignore his request and roll my eyes at him, "What the hell? Nothing is wrong! Why can't you guys just leave me alone? Were you the one that gave me the note?"

His smile drops and he nods, "Well yeah. Who did you think it was? The Host Club and I have been talking and we decided that it was best for me to talk to you privately like this. Don't worry, Hikaru knows that you're here," He pauses for a second and looks deep in thought, "Now that I think about it, I'm surprised you didn't say anything to him about this. I thought for sure you'd be trying to figure out which one of us snuck that into your bag."

I blush and look away from him, crossing my arms. "Why were you in my bag to begin with?!"

He chuckles and shrugs, "I didn't look through your things, don't worry."

I grunt in annoyance and glare at him, "You could have just talked to me face to face you know. You didn't have to be all sneaky about it."

He smiles and nods, "But it is more fun that way! It made me feel like I was some undercover spy! The best part was, you didn't even notice that I was there!"

I sigh in defeat and sit down on the couch and he follows my lead, "So what the hell could you possibly want to talk to me about? I'm sorry if I've been acting weird, but I swear I'm fine."

He gives me a more serious face and sighs, "Kaoru… this is exactly why. You've been acting different, and none of us can figure out why. If something is bugging you, you know you can always talk to us right?" I don't answer him and he decides to continue, "Y'know… one of my biggest fears is the Host Club being the core of everyone's problems. I worry about it all the time. Like when Kyouya's father slapped him because of the Host Club. I worry that Haruhi isn't happy here because I forced her into this."`

I raise an eyebrow, slightly interested in where the hell he was going with this. He was definitely a moron most of the time, but Tamaki had a way of being insightful and articulate when he tries to be. I was just unsure of how any of this had anything to do with me.

"Go on."

He gives me a small smile, "I also worry that you and Hikaru aren't going to expand your world the way I wanted you too. I still feel like after all this time, you both still are so closed off from everybody else. Yes, you are close with us, but you both have directed your dependency onto us instead of becoming independent yourselves. Remember that time in Koriuzawa when Hikaru got jealous because of Arai?"

I shrug, "I don't do that. Hikaru's the one that can't open himself up to new people."

"That's not true. You are just as bad as him."

My eyes widen and I look at him in surprise, "Excuse me?"

"It's difficult to explain… but you both tend to have different ways of expressing your dependency on us. You are more independent than Hikaru in some respects, but you still need the Host Club in order to remain afloat. The only issue with you is, you are trying so hard to be independent from Hikaru, that it is having the opposite effect. You do realize you can always depend on us if you need to? We aren't going to let you fall, Kaoru."

That wasn't it. The idiot king is an idiot king after all. He doesn't realize why I can't let them know what I'm feeling. They can't know why I am trying to distance myself from Hikaru. It is for the best… but I can't tell Tamaki that. He would just be disgusted with me.

"What's your point exactly?"

He shrugs and looks at the ground, kicking at the floor. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, the club wants to help you out, but we need to start somewhere. I know it isn't going to be easy to get you to open up to me, but I still want to try."

I stay silent for what seems like forever. I wasn't really planning on saying anything else to him. I really didn't want to encourage him. In all honestly, I wanted him to just give up on me. I wasn't worth his kindness. He really is very sweet and it is a given that he would naturally want to help me like this, but it was also unnecessary. This idiot needed to learn when he is needed and when he isn't.

After a long and slightly uncomfortable silence, Tamaki stands up and offers me a hand. I refuse it and get up on my own. I am more than capable of standing up, despite what he may think about me. He smiles anyway and moves some of his blonde hair out of his eyes, "I do have another reason for asking you to come here by the way."

I raise an eyebrow, not necessarily interested. "Oh?"

He blushes and looks away from me, "You see… I have been trying to find out ways to confess to somebody I really like, but I couldn't figure it out. But then, I had the perfect idea! I wanted your opinion because you are probably the second most romantic member of the club, after myself of course."

I look taken aback as I hear these words leave his mouth, "Um… what?"

He chuckles, "Well isn't it obvious? Kyouya doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, and neither do Hunny or Mori-senpai. Haruhi seems to be very neutral when it comes to romance, and Hikaru… well you remember what happened when he went on that date with Haruhi."

I shudder at the memory. Tono is right, Hikaru wasn't very good when it came to being romantic, but… "And what makes you think I'm any better?"

"I've seen how you act around people without Hikaru around, Kaoru. You tend to be a lot more thoughtful toward others, plus you seem like that type that would just be very romantic! Of course, nothing can match my natural brilliance when it comes to things like love and romance. That is why I am the princely character after all!" he winks at me and I continue to look at him with the same disinterested expression.

"Ok… so what did you have in mind?" I finally ask.

He turns toward the piano and gestures toward it, "I made a song. I was hoping you would listen and tell me what you thought of it."

I smile a little at the thought of getting to hear Tamaki play the piano. It was a brilliant approach for him. Honestly, opening his mouth won't do him any good if he is confessing, so this is perfect.

"Senpai… Anything you play will surely make anyone fall in love with you. Especially if it is a love song," I say quietly. He blushes and shakes his head.

"No… I'm also going to be singing. It's different than what I'm used to."

I lean against the edge of the couch and give him an interested smirk, trying to let my mischievous side show the best I can.

"Oh yeah? Now I want to hear it even more. Go ahead, I won't judge."

Tamaki nods and takes a seat on the piano stool. He fumbles a little bit, nervous about the outcome. It wasn't every day you get to play a love song to a Hitachiin after all. Honestly, I couldn't blame him for being nervous. One wrong note and I'd probably laugh myself to tears for seeing him fail.

Then, he started to play. His fingers glided along the keys as if they belonged there and I instantly melted into the music. I don't know how Tamaki was able to do this, but his music had a power over everyone that heard it. It made all my worries disappear and I relaxed visibly.

He started singing soon after and I had to hold my breath. I didn't realize he had a voice like that.

"_Come near and stand by me baby,_

_Close enough to reach out and pull you still closer._

_All that is swelling within me,_

_Must be a language I've never spoken 'till there was you."_

I felt tears build up in the corners of my eyes. Who knew Tamaki could be so… talented. And he had such an allure sitting with that piano. It definitely made him all the more attractive. For a man so obsessed with appearances, it was clear why he chose to play the piano.

"_I fumbled…_

_Try but I stumbled…_

_Over all that my heart wants to say now."_

I managed to lose my breath again and there was a brief pause in the music. That pause had so much meaning behind it that it made me dizzy. So much passion and devotion was thrown into this song. Tamaki must really love her… I couldn't blame him either. She was definitely something if Hikaru was able to fall for her as well. But Tamaki was a fool if he thought I was going to let him sing this to Haruhi. I was going to make sure Hikaru's heart wasn't going to be broken, even if it did come with my distress.

"_Je n'ai pas de mots,_

_Nothing seems to say the way you move me,_

_Rushing through me,_

_Je n'ai pas de mots,_

_But a promise has been made you can believe this,_

_From the first kiss,_

_It's good that I dont have to speak to know that it's real,_

_Je n'ai pas de mots."_

The song continued on this way until finally it was over. There was silence in the music room once Tamaki had finished playing. He had brought me to silent tears, but I masked it by looking down at the ground. It really was no wonder that this man was our Host Club's King. He was truly a genius when it came to romance and sweeping a person off of their feet. Hell… it swept me off my feet and it wasn't even meant for me.

The silence continued until Tamaki decided to break it by standing up out of his chair. I look up at him with the same shocked and awe-struck expression that I had earlier in the song. He walked over to me cautiously and blushes.

"So… um… how was it?"

I smile at his sudden shyness and I lower my eyes to the ground. Words couldn't describe how perfect that song was. Even someone like Haruhi would fall head over heels for a song like that. Which meant I needed to come up with a plan fast. I needed to come up with a way to divert his attention away from Haruhi… but how?

I look back up into his violet eyes and give him a soft smile, "It was beautiful, tono. Haruhi will love it."

His face goes scarlet and lets out a shocked squeak, "H-how did you know that I made that for Haruhi? It could very easily be meant for someone else, right?"

My expression pretty much said it all but I decided to voice my opinion anyway. Seriously, how dumb did that idiot think I was? Just because I was related to Hikaru didn't mean I was a total dipshit. "I'm not stupid y'know. Anyone with a brain would be able to tell who that is meant for. Even our guests who still think she's a guy."

Tamaki frowns and his blush intensifies, "I didn't realize I was being so obvious…" he looks me in the eyes, "So you really liked it?"

I nod and we go silent for a little bit. I decide to speak up, "It was perfect…"

He takes a step closer to me and I feel my stomach do a backflip. Why the hell is he getting so close? But I couldn't really complain… the closeness was nice. I would never admit it, but this closeness made me feel safe and needed.

"I'm glad you think so," he whispers.

"I-I should go…"I whisper back, my voice quivering. He shakes his head at me and before I knew it, he had pulled me into a kiss. It was sudden, and oh-so impulsive. I wasn't really sure what I was expecting, but I definitely wasn't expecting this. It wasn't much different from the way Hikaru had kissed me. I wasn't sure why I thought it would be, but it was still nice. My heart was fluttering and I was starting to feel light-headed. It started off incredibly slow, but we soon fell into a much quicker pace as the kiss started deepen. I wasn't really sure who was the one to deepen the kiss, but damn did it feel good.

Things started getting a little more heated and the next thing I knew, we were sitting on the couch and his tongue was in my mouth, dancing with my own tongue. I wasn't necessarily opposed, but it was very strange and odd. But then, it hit me. I could very well be Tamaki's distraction. If I could get 'this' to become something more, then Tamaki would forget about Haruhi, and Hikaru wouldn't have any more competition. It was perfect.

My mind was working in overdrive. I had so many thoughts rushing through my head that I wasn't really paying much attention to what was going on or what I was doing anymore. If it weren't for Tamaki bringing his hand up to the back up my neck to bring me in closer, I wouldn't have been knocked out of my daze and I could focus on making sure I was doing okay. I was positive I wasn't Tamaki's first kiss, and suddenly that made me feel all the more insecure. Was I a bad kisser? What if Tamaki hated this? That was ruled out immediately after realizing that Tamaki would have stopped kissing me by now if he hated this. But still…

After a few more seconds of what was probably the best make out session I ever had, minus the fact that I was scheming in the middle of it, Tamaki broke the kiss and looked back into my eyes.

It took him a little bit to process what had happened and I let him contemplate on his own for a little while. The minute it finally hit him, his eyes opened wide in shock and his hand left the back of my neck and he looked away, blushing.

"Oh wow… I guess that song left me feeling a little too passionate. I'm sorry, Kaoru. I don't know what came over me."

We sit in awkward silence for a while longer. I couldn't bring myself to respond to his apology. Especially since the apology was unnecessary to begin with. I didn't mind kissing him in the least. In fact, it was nice. It wasn't all that different from Hikaru's kiss strangely enough and it made me feel at home. I would never tell him that of course… so I stayed silent.

"Y'know… I had never kissed a boy before. It is kind of strange."

I blush in response and sneak a peek at Tamaki. He was looking up at the ceiling, innocently contemplating what had happened previously.

"Oh yeah?"

"Have you ever kissed a boy, Kaoru?"

I wasn't really sure what to say. I couldn't _lie, _but I couldn't really tell the truth either. Damn, why did this have to be so complicated all of a sudden?

"Uh… well yeah, I have," I mutter quietly, but loud enough for him to hear me.

He chuckles, "Yeah, I guess I figured. It's really not that different from kissing girls to be honest. It was nice."

He winks at me and I feel the sudden urge to punch him in the face. How dare he be so… so… flirty after singing a love song to me that is meant for someone else? Something about that seemed kind of off and wrong. Why the hell did he want my opinion to begin with? He clearly knew that song would work on Haruhi. It sure as hell worked on me… wait a minute.

I glare at Tamaki, "Tono, why the hell did you need my opinion on that song anyway? You knew it was brilliant from the beginning, didn't you?"

He raises an eyebrow, "I already told you though, didn't I? No need to be angry…"

I scoff and cross my arms, "Did you do all this just to get me to spill my guts to you or something? If so, it's not going to work."

He looks at me with surprise written all over his features. He stays silent for a few seconds before he pulls me into a very much needed hug, "Kaoru, I wouldn't do something like that. I promise you those were not my intentions. Kissing you was pure impulse… though I can't say I didn't enjoy it… did you? Enjoy it, I mean…"

I wasn't sure how to respond, but then my brother's face instantly came to mind. I didn't know how I felt about Tamaki, but I sure as hell knew how I felt about my brother. All I've ever wanted was for Hikaru to be happy. If Hikaru wants to be with Haruhi, then my own happiness be damned, I would let him be with Haruhi. Most people would call me foolish for thinking this, but I couldn't help it. If my brother was happy then so was I. It was be selfish of me to pursue any kind of relationship with Hikaru, and I was content with what I had with him. Tamaki, however, was a threat to Hikaru's happiness as I had mentioned before. I needed to keep Tamaki's attention toward me.

I cast my eyes downward and blush. I start pulling the moves that I usually do during the twincest act. If it were anyone else, they would have noticed how fake I was, but this was the idiot king. He was so dense I wasn't sure if he would pick up on my flirtatious gestures.

"I-I can't lie to you… I really did enjoy it, Tamaki-senpai," I slowly bring my eyes up to meet his and I bite my bottom lip gently.

"U-uh…"

I lean toward him and give him a small, flirty smile, "You wanted to know my answer, didn't you?"

His blush reaches his ears and he manages a small chuckle, "Well, yeah! I'm glad that you liked it, Kaoru! But… I do still want to talk to you about your problems okay? Don't think I've forgotten."

He stands up and gives me another smile, "I need to go for the night. But I have one more small favor to ask of you."

I sigh to myself. Obviously, my attempts at being flirty didn't have the effect that I wanted them to have. He brushed me off like a bug on his shoulder… without all the flailing and screaming of course.

"What, Tono?"

He bends back down so he is eye level with me and he places a chaste kiss on my lips, "I just wanted another kiss!"

I frown, "Okay…"

Just as he is about to leave, I decide to speak up again, "What can I do to get you to not saying anything about this?"

He turns around with a smirk, "Call me 'King'," he winks and then leaves the music room immediately after doing so. I roll my eyes lay down on the couch face first. The previous events rushing through my mind a mile a minute and then suddenly my heart began to flutter. Tamaki kissed me…

Sure he wasn't Hikaru, but it was still someone. Yeah, my reasons for flirting back were a bit heartless, but… he cared. For once, somebody other than my own brother finally cared about me. I knew that the Host Club cared about me, but it wasn't really the kind of 'love' I was looking for… not that I was looking for love or anything cheesy like that. Tamaki has been so nice and caring toward me.

Well, damn. I felt like prick now. I couldn't lead Tamaki on like this. He's charming and sweet, and maybe someday we can become something more than just 'senpai and kohai'… but I couldn't do this to him. My reasons for wanting to continue this were purely selfish reasons. That was it. I had to tell Tamaki that I couldn't do this tomorrow. Hopefully all would end well…

And if he seriously thought I was going to call him 'King', he had another thing coming.


	4. Chapter Four: Could It Be?

**_A/N: I'm sooooo sorry for the wait! It took forever to pull this chapter out of my ass, I swear. Well, be prepared. There is some twincest in this chapter by the way. I'm also thinking about doing an offshot of this story in Hikaru's point of view. I'm sure you all are interested in reading this story in a different view than Kaoru's. Of course it will only be a oneshot and will only uncover Hikaru's thoughts and feelings during this time._  
**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club, or any of the members of said club._**

**_Warnings: Bullying, self harm, self hatred, incest... twincest to be precise, yaoi, and lemon(s)._**

**_Pairings: Main: HikaKao; Other Pairings: TamaKao, KyoKao, HikaHaru, KyoTama, and maybe a few others. Who knows. I ship it all._**

* * *

I walked home deep in thought that night. I wasn't sure why, but for some reason I was feeling… light. I wasn't sure what it was about that kiss with Tamaki but it seemed to relieve a ton of stress, but there were still some lingering doubts. Like the fact that I was still hopelessly in love with my twin brother. Just saying it makes me flinch. Being in love with your brother… It's not natural. And the fact that I was planning on using Tamaki to distract him so Hikaru could have Haruhi all to himself… what on earth is wrong with me? This is low… even for a Hitachiin.

I entered the mansion without a word and tiptoed up to my shared room with Hikaru. I hoped that maybe Hikaru would either be sleeping or not there at all. I really didn't feel like confronting him about my meeting with Tono. Honestly, I've been pestered about my problems enough within the past month or so.

Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky. Hikaru was sitting on the edge of the bed, 3DS in hand. He seemed to be concentrating on whatever game he was playing, which was probably Pokémon since he hasn't played anything but that game for a while. He looked up at me when I walked in and he gave me a bright and cheery smile. Oh God, why did I have to be so weak to that smile?

"Hey, Kao! How was your private meeting with Baka Tono? Let me beat this bidoof- I mean… this Xerneas real fast and you'll have my full attention!" he finishes up whatever he is doing and quickly puts his 3DS off to the side and smiles up at me.

I stare at him blankly for a while and then shrug, "Um… what?"

He rolls his eyes, "Um, duh! How did your meeting with Tono go?"

I frown, "There is nothing wrong with me. I don't get why everybody believes there is."

Hikaru looks slightly disappointed and grabs my hand, pulling me closer to him. I feel my heart stop for a second. "Kao, I want you to be able to tell me about your problems. While that is true, I want it to be at your own pace. But if you can't even admit to yourself that something is wrong then how am I supposed to trust that you will come to me for help if you really need it?"

I look away from him, feeling guilty. I hated how Hikaru was making me feel about this whole situation. Why couldn't he see that telling him would only make the situation worse? I wouldn't even know what to tell him. What the hell is even wrong with me to begin with? Why have I been digging myself a metaphorical grave for the past few months? Was it the hatred written in the notes or was it the self-hatred that came with the notes?

"Hikaru, can we… um…" I started to speak without thinking. Honestly… what on earth would I accomplish by asking him to do something like that for me now?

Hikaru raises a slim eyebrow at me, "Yeah? What is it, Kao?"

I gulp and blush, "Can we do more of the… 'experimenting' stuff we did the other day? I just… um…"

I didn't dare look at my brother as I requested something so… wrong… so foul… so _sinful_. Obviously he was going to say no. That whole thing was a one-time thing, right?

"Huh? Really? I didn't think you liked that, Kao," Hikaru muttered, mainly to himself. It was a random request, so I could understand why he seemed to be so thrown off. To be honest, that wasn't the answer I was expecting at all. It wasn't the disgusted surprise that I expected from him, but more shocked than anything.

I started to tear up, so I kept my head bowed. What was wrong with me? "I-I just… I really need affection I guess… And some extra practice wouldn't hurt, right?"

I'm sure he heard the crack in my voice because he stood up from his spot on the bed and he rose his hand up. I flinched, expecting him to hit me, but instead he place his hand underneath my chin and lifted my head to I was face to face with him. I was staring straight into his eyes, and even though we are the same height I was feeling so much smaller than him. Confidence was radiating off of him and it scared me. How could somebody who looks so much like myself be so different from me? Why couldn't I be confident like that?

"U-um… Hikaru? What are you doing?" I whisper to him, too scared to speak too loudly.

Hikaru smirks, "You asked me to kiss you right? So, I'm going to kiss you. You've been having some trouble lately and if this will help then I'll do my best to please you, okay?"

The way he worded that made me blush even more than I already was. Why the hell did he have to say it like that?

His lips inched closer to mine in seconds and I froze up. I wasn't really sure how to respond, but he didn't seem to mind because next thing I knew he was kissing me. This was so wrong… so wrong… so why did it feel so _right?_ I shouldn't be feeling happy about this. I should be feeling disgusted with myself. I should be feeling like an incestuous evil whore.

I eventually kissed back despite my better judgment. After all, I was the one who suggested this and if Hikaru didn't want to do this then he could have said no. It's not like he was going to take this too far or anything, right? God, I hope not. I wasn't sure what I would do if I did that with Hikaru. I'm sure the kids at school would find out somehow and I would be teased even more_. 'You deserve_ _everything those kids say to you.'_

My bottom lip starts to tremble again and Hikaru growls into the kiss and grabs the back of my neck to pull me closer. His actions were screaming at me not to cry or back out now. The way he was kissing me felt like he had been holding this in for a while. But it has only been like… a day since he last kissed me, right? Oh, it felt like it has been so much longer.

He breaks the kiss for a second to examine my face, "Are you okay, Kao? You're shaking."

My heart melts when he looks at me with those concerned eyes. "I-I'm fine… but is it okay if we sit? I feel a little light headed," I mumble.

He gives me one of his famous shit-eating grins, "I seem to have that effect on people."

He sits down on the bed and holds his arms out for me. I stare at him dumbly for the longest time, not comprehending what he wants me to do. He gestures for me again and I raise an eyebrow.

"Um…"

"Come sit on my lap, dumbass."

I blush and walk over to him, "Oh… sorry."

I awkward sit down on his lap, and his arms sneak around my waist to pull me closer. I flinch a little bit and look him in the eyes. He still has that same charming grin on his face and I bite my lip. "Isn't this a little bit awkward?"

Hikaru shrugs, "I don't think so. We are the same height and you've lost a lot of weight so it isn't like you're crushing me."

"That's not what I meant…" I grumble and blush.

Hikaru raises an eyebrow, "How is this awkward? We do this stuff all the time during the Host Club. Except the kissing. You're okay with this right? If you're not then we can stop."

I shake my head suddenly, "N-no! I'm okay with this… I just-"

Instead of letting me finish, he just smiles and pulls me down for another breathtaking kiss. This kiss was filled with a lot more passion than the last one. He had a tight grip on my hip with his right hand and his left was roaming up my shirt slowly. My breath hitches into the kiss and he takes this opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth.

His hands start to massage my hips slowly and my heart starts to flutter nervously. I wasn't really sure how far Hikaru was planning on going, and I wasn't really sure if I was willing to stop him. The brief idea of me stopping Hikaru passed through my mind, but it was immediately canceled out when I felt Hikaru's hips start to move against mine. I break the kiss and he moves down to start kissing my neck.

"M-maybe we should stop now…?" I ask him quietly.

Hikaru chuckles, "You really need to stop worrying about what other people think, Kaoru. It's just you and me. Nobody has to know about this."

I heard his voice shaking and for a second I was wondering what Hikaru was thinking. Was it possible that Hikaru is just as confused about our relationship as I am?

He gripped my hips even harder and ground my hips down onto his own and I gasped. "W-wait, Hikaru!"

Hikaru stops and looks up at me with wide eyes. Something unrecognizable flashed in his eyes and it made me stop for a second to just look. I couldn't tell what that look in his eyes was. And for once in my life I couldn't tell what Hikaru was thinking and it was scary. There were a million emotions flashing through my brother's eyes that I couldn't keep up with it. Usually I was pretty good at reading my brother's emotions, but for some reason…

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. We can stop if you want. I don't know what came over me," he sheepishly looks away and I place a gentle kiss on his cheek without thinking. He had started to blush and I frowned to myself. Why was Hikaru acting so strange all of a sudden? All of the previous confidence was gone in an instance it seemed.

"Maybe we should get some sleep. It's been a long day," I mutter into his ear and I notice him physically shudder. I wasn't really sure if it was out of disgust or arousal. My own question was answered when I noticed something poking at my thigh and I blush. Maybe that was why he was acting so weird? Either way, I needed to leave the room.

"U-um… I'll go put on some pajamas," I rush out of the room and into the bathroom as quickly as I could, without bringing any pajamas since I was in such a hurry. My heart is going a mile a minute as I start to relay everything that had just happened. Hikaru kissed me again… He was acting funny afterward… and then he… he…

I look down and notice I had a very similar problem. I blush even more and tear off my clothes, "Shit…"

I turn on the shower to as cold as it would go and I step in. My little problem eventually goes away and I sigh in relief. I step out of the shower and quickly getting dressed, still shivering from the cold. I wait a while longer before going back into our bedroom to notice Hikaru lying on the bed with his 3DS in hand. Quickly, I go to fetch some pajamas and put them on quickly before Hikaru can make a comment about me changing in front of him. It's not he cares all that much, but after everything that has been happening…

"Hey, Kaoru, come be my little spoon!" he says with a cheery voice that seemed rather forced and out of place.

I nod and walk over to the bed, lying down. He throws an arm around me and rubs my arm.

"You're freezing, Kaoru. You didn't have to take cold shower y'know," he chuckles and I roll my eyes.

"Shut up, Hikaru. Why am I always the little spoon anyway?"

"You know you like it or else you would fight me for the big spoon."

I roll my eyes again and turn to face him, "So I took care of my problem. Did you take care of yours?"

He blushes and I smirk, feeling proud of myself for being the smug one this time around. "Yes, I did, if you must know. Only I handled it like a man, unlike you. Cold showers are for pussies."

I make a face and face away from him, "Let's just hope you used hand sanitizer or soap afterwards."

He pouts, "You're a little bitch, you know that?"

I shrug, "I try to be."

He chuckles again and holds me closer to his chest, "Goodnight, Kaoru."

My heart does one more little dance and I smile before closing my eyes, "Goodnight, Hikaru."

_**OoOoOoOoOoOo**_

I avoided Tamaki all day at school the next day, which wasn't hard considering we weren't in the same class and he is a whole year above me. It wasn't like I was mad at him… I just wasn't ready to face him yet. I wasn't really sure what I was going to say when I saw him and I didn't know how he would react to seeing me. Of course, seeing him at club would be inevitable.

Hikaru and I were talking with each other all day and I was starting to feel so much happier. He really knew how to cheer me up when I was feeling down. The notes that would randomly appear in front of me were starting not to phase me as much anymore.

I was getting more of these notes than usual today, though. For the most part I was ignoring them. I made sure to keep all of my attention on Hikaru since he seemed so determined to spend all of his time on me today.

Things were starting to look up for me. Then, I reached into my bag for my book during class. I wasn't surprised when I felt another note at the bottom of the bag. I grabbed it and stuffed it into my pocket before anybody could see it.

I looked around, making sure nobody was looking at me and I slowly opened the note and my heart stopped. _'Meet me in the bathroom closest to your homeroom during lunch, faggot. I wanna have a little talk.'_

This was definitely not Tamaki this time. This guy was making it very clear as to who it was. I pale and put the note back in my pocket. I look back up at the teacher, trying my best to listen to the lesson but I was scared. I had to wonder if it would be the same guy that I ran into the other day. I knew it wouldn't matter either way, but…

Class ended before I knew it and I was frozen in my spot.

"Hey, Kaoru, let's go. I'm starving," Hikaru says nonchalantly.

"U-um… go ahead. I'll catch up with you soon. I have to go to the bathroom," I don't look at him as I stand up and rush out of the room and make my way toward the bathroom.

Nobody was in there when I first walked in, but a few minutes later a few guys walked in, talking amongst themselves, almost like a bunch of gossiping girls. That should have been my first clue that something was wrong. None of them seemed to notice me standing there, so I figured that they weren't there for me anyway.

"So, do you think she likes me or not?"

"I don't know, man. She's always talking about Suoh like he's a fucking God."

"Of course. The Host Club are the only guys the girls at this school see."

"Yeah, who the hell do they think they are? They act like they own this fucking school. Especially, Suoh. Someone should seriously put that prick in his place."

I clear my throat, alerting these guys that I was in the bathroom with them. "U-um… excuse me, but can you not insult my friends, please? At least not in my presence."

The guys stop talking to look at me for a second. I gulp nervously and look down at my feet.

"Well, what do you know? He actually showed up. You have some guts, Hitachiin."

I shake my head and look up at them, trying my hardest to look unafraid of them, "You guys are the ones that have been giving me the notes?"

One of the guys, the one that I bumped into the other day, starts to laugh, "No shit! Who did you think was giving you those notes?"

I bite my lip and take a sharp breath, "So what do you want?"

The tallest of the guys take a step closer to me, giving me a small, smug smile. I take a tiny step back and this continues until I hit the wall. He looks me up and down, and stops at my stomach. I bite my lip and continue to stand completely still. He suddenly punched me hard in the stomach, making me double over in pain. The guy I ran into in the hallway bends down so he is eye level with me and smirks at me. He runs his fingers through my bangs.

"Do us a favor and don't tell anyone about this, okay? And meet us here again tomorrow."

I straighten up, only to earn another punch to the stomach. One of the guys dumped the contents of my bag all over the floor, and they all leave the restroom laughing. I fall to my knees and start scrambling to get my papers together despite the pain in my stomach.

Once I had all of my papers gathered together, I ran into a stall and locked it. I leaned against the door of the stall to help calm my breathing. This was going to be a long fucking day. _'You deserved it. You deserve everything those guys do to you. Stop crying and take it like a man.'_

Hikaru had been worried about me when I never showed up to lunch today, but I assured him at the Host Club that everything was alright and that I was just feeling a little sick. He seemed to believe me pretty easily and gave me a short peck on the cheek.

Unfortunately, it was hard to avoid Tamaki during the Host Club, especially when he was coming right for me after Hikaru went to go get himself ready before the girls showed up.

"Hey, Kaoru! I've been trying to find you all day! I want to discuss what happened yesterday, if that is alright," Tamaki beams at me and I inwardly sigh.

"Um… yeah. I wanted to talk about that too. Do you think we could go somewhere a bit more private though?" I whisper to him and he nods.

He leads me toward one of our changing rooms and looks around to make sure no one is looking before pulling me in and smiling like a huge idiot.

"So, Kaoru, I've been thinking a lot about you ever since I got home last night, and I was wondering what you think we should do about 'us'."

I sigh and look off to the side. A part of me was relieved that he didn't automatically assume that I was going to go out with him, but then again… he was too cheerful. I had to make a decision fast about what I wanted to do. I had a few options… I could go out with him to give Hikaru a chance, or I could be noble and turn this down and save everyone from future heartache.

"I think… that we should wait. You need to figure out what your feelings for Haruhi are, and I need to sort out feelings of my own before I decide to go out with anybody."

He blushes and looks down at his feet awkwardly, "Oh right… Haruhi. I guess you're right. I think I may have gotten a little bit too excited after last night. But you're right. I need to sort out my feelings first before I go jumping into things like this. It was just a kiss, right?"

I nod, "Uh… yeah. Just a kiss. Best if we don't talk about this with anyone."

He nods quickly, "Yeah, of course. Um… we better get out of here before people start to wonder where we are at."

He opens the door for me and I calmly walk out of the changing room. The guests were already in the room and wandering about, looking for their favorite host. Kyouya walked toward Tamaki the minute we had exited the changing room. I held my breath, expecting him to make an assumption about Tamaki and me.

"Tamaki, it seems we have a new guest."

He points toward the door and Tamaki looks up at the figure at the door. I look up as well and I pale when I see the guy standing there with his hands in his pockets and a smug grin on his face. It was the guy that had punched me in the stomach in the bathroom.

"Hello, my name is Ryuu Hiroshi. I would like to request the twins."


End file.
